A REASON FOR MARRIAGE

“Damn. I wasn’t expecting that at all,” said Scott,” I thought she -”

“-Yeah I thought so too,” Simon completed,” but it turns out she just wants the baby… Not me,”

Scott heard the pain in Simon’s voice, and he understood. He’d been in that situation once with Vivian. Years ago she’d been his assistant, and it’d taken him a while to figure out how he felt about her, until he’d almost lost her. (YOU CAN READ SCOTT AND VIVIAN’S STORY IN MY BOOK TITLED, ‘IN BED WITH THE BOSS’). He could see that Simon was feeling the same way, and he wanted to help.

“Look, I know my sister cares about you,” he began, “and I think something went wrong. I can go see her, talk to her and figure out what is going on,”

Simon shook his head, “No please don’t,” he said, “The last thing I want to do is make her go into something she doesn’t want. She walked away for a reason and if staying with me is going to make her unhappy, then what’s the point? I will be fine, Scott… What’s important is that I’ll be there for our child no matter what happens,”

Simon expected Scott to leave, but he stayed put in chair, then he leaned forward, “Did Sara ever tell you about Bruce Bennet, her ex-fiancee?” he asked.

Simon stared at him through hooded eyes, “Yeah she did. In Fact I met him some time ago. What about him?”

“He hurt her badly,” Scott told him, “And I’m not trying to make excuses for her or anything, but the truth is she has had severe trust issues since then and I honestly can’t blame her. She lost her pregnancy and ended up in the hospital…My mother and I were scared out of our minds. We thought we were going to lose her, but she pulled through. I went after Bruce… piled up evidence against him. Reports after reports detailing shady business deals involving Bruce, Bribery for product placement, undercutting bidding contracts, predatory practices , procuring illegal campaign contributions on behalf of a Senator. I was going to out him to every news outlet and journalist I had access to. I went after his sister, threatened her and I almost lost myself in my quest for revenge,” he straightened in his chair, “Look, my point is, I know you’re hurt and angry, but I hope you don’t give up on Sara just yet. She has been through a lot when it comes to relationships, but she loves you. I’m just not sure that she knows it yet,”

Simon nodded, unable to say anything. He understood why Sara had so much difficulty trusting people, but he’d been working so hard to show her that she could trust him, and that didn’t work either. As for love, he knew Scott’s heart was in the right place, but he was damn sure that Sara didn’t love him. Yeah, she was attracted to him, no doubt, but she seemed to take every opportunity to remind him that she dreaded the idea of marrying him.

He wouldn’t turn his back on her and their child, but he also had to find a way to come to terms with the fact that she’d never feel the same way he did, and she wasn’t going to be his wife, no matter how much he wanted her to be.

____________

She missed him so much she couldn’t think straight.

Sara closed the door behind her. Everything had felt wan since she’d come home two weeks ago. She felt listless, as if a vital source of energy had been taken from her body. She smiled bleakly to herself. She knew what that was: Simon. She sat down on the couch heavily and sagged like a rag doll.

She’d known it all along, if she was honest with herself, she’d just been in a pathetic state of denial. She loved him. She loved him so much that even to think about it or acknowledge it made her feel dizzy. It was all so clear now, and what came with the clarity wasn’t panic, or claustrophobia; they had all been symptoms of the futile denial of her feelings. She actually felt relief, relief for being honest with herself for the first time in weeks.

She’d craved the physical contact with Simon in order to feel connected to him without having to look at her feelings. When he’d maintained that ridiculous distance, it had nearly killed her. The extent to which he’d been prepared to commit to her still made her shake, and she knew that walking away hadn’t been a fear of commitment or a lack of trust-it had been the fear that he didn’t love her, that he’d been doing it solely out of a sense of responsibility. He’d shown her that he was capable of making big sacrifices. But she didn’t want to be a sacrifice.

That was what it came down to. Ultimately she had to concede now that Bruce had never truly killed her spirit. He’d only dampened it. Meeting Simon had brought it back to life. But she wanted him to love her too. She could do anything if she had that, even contemplate getting married; she knew that now. Her real fear had been of committing to a life with Simon only to witness his inevitable decline in interest and his taking of a mistress or leaving her.

Yet, was she being unfair? He’d already accused her of trying to read his mind and she’d got it spectacularly wrong. Could she risk it? Could she put her heart on her sleeve and walk away in one piece if he said ‘no thanks’?

Somehow, Sara knew that, whether or not she could survive his rejection, she owed it to herself and their baby at least to be honest. Properly honest. The only thing was, it could already be too late.

___________

Sara paced restlessly up and down her apartment the following morning, checking her watch constantly as she waited-and waited!-for what might be considered a reasonable time to call someone-to call Simon!-on a Saturday morning.

Seven a. m.

Seven-fifteen.This content © Nôv/elDr(a)m/a.Org.

Seven-thirty.

Seven forty-five.

And each of those minutes seemed like an hour as the second hand on Sara’s watch crawled round more slowly with every second, increasing her tension.

Those minutes had been crawling round all night as Sara had felt too restless even to go to bed, let alone try to sleep.

Eight a. m.

Eight fifteen.

Eight-thirty.