SAVE ME

Morgan Smith

I thought that after I took my bath and probably lay on my bed and close my eyes, I could get some sleep and forget about this for a while but that wasn’t the case since it has been over an hour since I took that bath and was laying on my bed and I am not asleep, neither do I feel sleepy.

Pastor Dan’s preaching about forgiveness this morning still plays in my mind and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to get myself to stop thinking about it. He is right, my heart knows that but my head doesn’t want that truth because it’s looking for a reason to blame someone and bed sad about the past.

“You need to let go of your past” Ann’s voice sounded in my head and I closed my eyes to shut them out.

Who could ever forget? Who could forget losing their loved ones when the person who did it isn’t brought to book and the person didn’t even tender an apology? Probably she didn’t understand what I felt, that’s why she tells me what she tells me.

“A cookie for your thought” her voice sounded again and I shook my head with my eyes still closed then I heard nothing before my bed dipped and when I opened my eyes, Ann was looking down at me with a smile on her face.

She was wearing the same PJs I was wearing and her hair was in a messy bun, her black-rimmed glasses were seated on her nose. I almost forgot that she wore them a few times.

I sat up with my legs crisscrossed while I faced her with a small smile on my lips “We are matching” I pointed to her PJs and she nods with a smile then held my hand in hers.

“Why were you crying?” she asked, my eyes went wide in surprise as I stared at her. I thought I had cleaned them off except she’s speaking of earlier when she saw how gloomy I was and how red my eyes were from the little crying I did in the bathroom back in church.

She pointed to my eyes “Your eyes say it all and even when we were in the church, I knew something was up when your mood was suddenly sullen” she stated, a sigh left my lips and my eyes went to her hand that held mine. “What’s the problem? You can tell me anything, I’ll be here listening to you” she said.

“I… I have been…” I sighed again then blinked my eyes severally to keep the tears in “I have been thinking about what Pastor Dan preached today and I feel like he is talking to me” I looked up at her and then sighed again. “It felt like he was directing those words to me about you know… letting go and forgiving, just like you have been telling me in the past”

I looked away from her and then felt her wipe the tear that slipped out of my eyes “You think I have been holding on too long to the wrong thing?” I asked.

She gathered me in her arms and rubbed a soothing circle on my back as I sobbed. “It’s okay to let go, just let it out, okay?”

I sobbed quietly and she just sat there as my support system, giving me comfort as I let out the hurt in my heart. After a moment of silence, she spoke up.

“You need to let it go, like really, really let it go” I went out of her hold and looked at her “Morgan, you need to learn to forgive and let go of your pain so that your heart can heal” she took a deep breath in, closed her eyes and let them out after about three seconds before her eyes were looking into mine.

“You aren’t the only one who has experienced bad events in life. It’s not the end of the world, you’re alive and well, so holding on to the sorrow and pain you once felt will never give you the chance to enjoy life to its fullest” she held my hands in hers and smiled a bit.

A sigh escaped her lips and she tucked her hair behind her ear and then looked away “I have been in a similar situation before” she said then let out a light chuckle “It’s all in the past now” she waved her hand, shook her head and looked back at me “I think I need to share them with you”

I watched her closely to see her face dim of any smile, there was a slight sight of sadness in her eyes and I wondered what could have put that sadness in her eyes. She let out another sigh and then continued.

“I grew up in a Christian home. You know… go to church every Sunday and when there was a function at church, participated in most church-related activities, joined in the choir, and was a substitute Sunday school teacher to the little kids and all those” she smiled still looking far away.

‘No wonder she has a really great voice’ I thought to myself.

“I liked the choir robe, one of the reasons I joined” she laughed “My major reason was Aaron. Aaron Cameron was my major reason for joining the church choir. He was the choir drummer, and boy he drums so well, I enjoy watching him drum” she took a glance at me then cleaned the side of her eyes.

Her eyes glittered with the tears that gathered in them.

“Couldn’t understand why I felt so attracted to him when I saw him for the first time. It was like he held a leash to me that makes me want to follow him everywhere he went” she shook her head ‘Silly me”

She sighs again then continues.

“Aaron was perfect… tall, handsome, on the basketball team, a drummer in the church choir, he loves GOD which was top notch, so perfect… my perfect guy. I took every chance I could to talk to him or be around him, I even prayed that he asked me out which he did, it was a friendly outing though but it meant a lot to me” she grinned.Text property © Nôvel(D)ra/ma.Org.

“What I had been anticipating finally came, he asked me to be his girl through a paper he gave me on my sweet sixteenth birthday. That was the day I got my car and the book you see me always reading” I nod in remembrance “But of all gifts, I got that day, he made me feel over the moon”

She must be so in love with this Aaron guy with how she speaks of him.

“My parents approved of him but advised that I don’t get too overwhelmed with what we are feeling since we are still young and have a lot of time to define what we actually felt for each other. So, long story short, I got too invested and too overwhelmed that I made a big mistake” she closed her eyes and then shook her head.

“I should have waited” she sighs then opened her eyes, not being able to look at me “He had tried seducing me in the past though but I kept telling him that I wasn’t ready for that then he told me one day that he loved me and I lost every sense of reasoning, we started off kissing then he took me to his room to continue and I stop whatever I knew was going to happen” she sucked in deep breaths and let them out slowly.

“I woke up the next day feeling so sour and empty and he was already getting dressed, when he looked at me, it wasn’t like how he looked at me the night before or how he had been looking at me when we started dating. He had this strange look on his face and he looked at me like I was some foreigner” she looked at me “I thought the feeling would be intense and beautiful but after we did it, I felt nothing” she looked away and bow her head.

“He asked if I was okay since it was my first time and then he gave me some pills, when I asked what they were, he said it was to make me feel better and I believed him because I trusted him, I felt a bit weird after that day but was okay after some time, then our love-based relationship was now based on sex”

“We fought a lot and most of the time it was because I refused him. It took a while before I realized that he was just with me because of the sex, it hurt me when I came to that realization and it got me thinking how everything just changed and it wasn’t the fairytale, I thought about all the time. The sweet drummer boy was now someone different who would use vague words on me whenever I didn’t want us to do it” she shook her head.

I felt sad for how things went for her, I can’t imagine I and Ricardo in such a situation and him only wanting to be with me because of sex.

“I had to end it because it wasn’t healthy for us anymore, the yelling, and use of bad words were getting too much and I couldn’t handle it so I ended things but I was so heartbroken because I loved him deeply. I didn’t tell my parents about what transpired between us but the breakup affected me a lot”

“I’m sorry,” I said and she shook her head.

“Don’t, it’s all good” she shook her head “I slowly started to be inactive in the church, my parents asked what the issue was but I just gave some meaningless excuse and was glad they didn’t press further” she wiped the tears that now stained her cheek.

I passed her a handkerchief and she accepted it and cleaned her face properly. I can’t begin to imagine what she actually felt that day, during her breakup days.

“It got really bad when I saw that he had moved on. One day, I was crying as usual in my room and was going through some of my stuff from when I was a little girl then I came across the letters I wrote to GOD, drawings and so many other things. I saw one of the letters that broke the inner part of me, it states the vow I made to keep myself till I got married” she cried with her face buried in her palm.

I put my hand on her head and pat them then she rose her head and cleaned her face blew her nose and shook her head.

“I was so ashamed of myself and sorry for breaking that vow so, I kept asking for his forgiveness while I believed that he would because I was his daughter and he would not want me to dwell in sin. I stayed up all night crying and suddenly felt sick so I rushed to the bathroom and threw up, I wished it wasn’t what I thought it was because it happened frequently” she sat Indian style.

“That night, I was reading my Bible when I heard shuffling downstairs, I ignored it and continued reading but when I heard voices and an argument, I panicked because it sounded like my parents and other people’s voices, I heard a huge bang and called the cops because I was scared” she paused for a while.

“The 911 attendant asked me to stay in my room but I needed to check on my parent so I stepped outside of my room in a rush, I saw someone coming upstairs, I wasn’t able to get back to my room because the man already grabbed me by the hair and pushed me down the stairs when I scratched his hand” I winced when she said that.

“Oh my GOD,” I whispered with my palm over my mouth.

“The fall brought so much pain on my entire being but what I saw when I raised my head to look at my parents was so terrible. I thought I had seen worse… my dad, his eyes were barely opened and he had blood all over him, I don’t even want to talk about how I saw my mum” she shook her head as if to shake away the memories from her head.

“I doubt anyone can survive such a view,” I said but she just smiles at me.

“Morgan” she held my hands once more “I am sharing this not because I need any sort of pity or so but I hope it teaches you that no matter how hard hits you, it doesn’t define who you truly are or defy your future, it also proves that you could forgive whoever wronged you without carrying the burden of the person seeing his mistake and coming to apologize”

It wasn’t making sense to me so I didn’t know if I would agree with that or not so I took my hands from hers and looked down at them as the tears gradually clouded my vision.

“Morgan, God sees our pain, sorrow, distress, and all that has happened to us and I know that He always finds a way to make us feel better and forget all the bad things we experienced in the past and give us a new beginning but he needs us to try to forgive and let him take control, Morgan, yes he could stop those things from happening” she tried to hold my hands but I removed them before she could and faced her with my tear-stained face.

“Why then didn’t he stop them then? If he could, why did he watch them happen?” I asked then bite my bottom lips to keep the sobs in. “Why Ann? Why?”

“It’s not his doing, it’s not his plan but life most of the times makes you think that the world is against you… It’s life and we can’t do anything about what life throws at us rather than ask for the grace to forgive and heal from the hurt, the pain, and the sorrow our hearts feel for peace to reign within us. Morgan, your peace of mind is way more important than all these things you choose to hold on to” she tried again to hold my hands and I let her this time.

“You need to let it go Morgan” she touched my chest and made a gesture like she was letting go of something “Let it go and help yourself heal,” she said.

The sobs escaped my lips and I lay my head on her shoulder, her arm went around me and I cried out my heart. There were no words I could put together to say because I am shocked by all that was revealed today.

Earlier I thought she never knew what I felt because she didn’t have a similar experience but hearing her share what she went through at a young age, I just feel sad for her and wondered how she was able to get out of that deep hole she was in and come to the light of hope and be happy too.

It must have been a struggle for her.

“Ann, you are so pure,” I said to her but she brushed it off.

“Nah, I am not. No one is except GOD himself” she replied with a smile “I am just grateful that GOD gave me a chance to turn a new leaf. I wouldn’t be where I am if not for him, he forgave me, even though I sinned against him and broke my promise to him, he is that faithful” she smiles.

“He has been with me since, he gave me a second chance to do the right thing and then he gave you guys to me, I feel so blessed.” I could see tears brimming in her eyes.

Never have I imagined her going through something like this with her bubbly and cheerful behavior. I always wondered why she never had any family come to visit her and concluded that she didn’t want family around. She’s strong and I admire her even more.

“Now, enough of this emotional session, let’s go downstairs. I made us food” she wiped the tears from her cheeks then stood to her feet and dragged me along.

I can now realize how lucky I have been. I always thought my situation was the worse but everyone has how life deals with them all we need to do is to try to let go of it and not hold on to the past b forgiving which is pretty difficult especially when the person who wronged you hasn’t asked you for forgiveness. Even with all that happened to me, I still have Ann who looks out for me every single time and I am grateful for that.

My respect for her just skyrocketed.

GOD this is hard to forgive but I want to thank you for life, Ann, Ricardo, and everyone you sent my way. I feel light but I do hope to be able to forgive those people one day and probably pray for them that they find the right path and not stay in the dark again.

Thank you, LORD. Thank you, JESUS.