Through the Screen

Chapter 108

"what is it?" noah mutters, gathering all his energy—or lack there of—and focusing on his tongue,

trying to make himself sound disinterested. his gaze is trained on his socks so abel can't see the panic

in his eyes, his shaking hands are pushed in his pockets so abel can't see the saturated nervousness

dripping from his fingertips, and his tongue is clamped between his teeth gently so abel can't hear how

broken he sounds.

abel doesn't reply, softly shutting the door and leaning against it, fingers pulling at tangled hair. being

with noah alone makes the bedroom seem smaller than ever before, the walls closing in mercilessly

and the floor crumbling apart at the edges leaving no room to escape. he can't hide behind katherine's

positive attitude or adrian's laughter, he can't mute noah's voice with the loud television, he can't block

out the sight of noah when he is standing in front of him and expecting answers. This content © Nôv/elDr(a)m/a.Org.

"well?" noah pushes. he is no hurry to know what abel wants to say, but postponing the storm won't

make it any less harsh. it will still strike, violent, aggressive and unabashed, leaving nothing but

staggered breaths and choked sobs in its wake.

"i'm sorry," abel blurts, licking over his dry lips so saying what he feels becomes a bit easier.

"abel we've been over this—"

"no, no, please just hear me out for once," abel closes his eyes, pulling his sleeves over his fists and

letting the explanation flow out of his mouth. "i'm sorry, i'm sorry for what i did and i know you can't

forgive me but i am not accepting a divorce, i can't live without you, i can't be without you and you know

that,"

"abel—"

"i'm not saying that means you can't take a break from me, i understand," abel gulps, pushing the lump

in his throat down so he can speak. "i understand you can't look at me or be around me and having me

in the house is hurting you. you can take a break for as long as you want, i will not stop you, i will not

even try to contact you or try to apologise again, you don't even have to see my face unless you're

ready but please don't take away the chance for us to make things better. please don't take a divorce

from me, i can't do it, it's—" it's no use, the lump arises again, stronger and it pushes past his lips in a

heartbreaking sob, his tears falling rapidly down his cheeks as he tries to catch a breath.

"you are my everything noah, being without you is not something i'll be able to handle, please," abel

wipes his eyes harshly with the back of his sleeve. "i'll leave, i'll leave right now but you have to

promise me that you will try forgiving me, you have to try moving on from this because we can't end like

this,"

"what are you—"

"no, i get it, i know you don't want me here and i'm not forcing you to let me stay, i don't even want you

to consider it as of now because we need time away from each other no matter how much we deny it.

please don't think this is me saying i don't love you, or i don't want to stay with you because that's not

true, i love you so much, you know i do but my mistakes shouldn't be something that ruins this, ruins us

forever," and every word that leaves abel 's lips adds another layer of figurative cement overtop of

noah's feet, chaining him in place and not allowing him to move because this wasn't what he was

expecting. he was just hoping for a heartfelt apology, words full of denial and abel forcing him to

consider forgiving him almost immediately like this wasn't a big deal, like his betrayal wasn't something

that needed time to heal from.

and the worst part is that noah would have believed him, the lies about them working this out in the

span of a week, the lies of unconditional love being restored in a blink, the lies of healing hearts and

dried cheeks and laughter and kisses. what he can't believe, or rather, accept, is the raw truth of their

inadequate relationship, the truth of their dysfunctional marriage, the truth of broken hearts and tears

and bitter words and cold distances.

"noah? please say something," abel pleads, he is out of words, out of sentences, out of anything that

could possibly make this situation a little less dense. he has said everything he could, he has laid out

what he thinks is best for them, he has caged his tongue into place as to not beg noah to forgive him

because he has finally accepted how hard it is for noah. he knows getting over this is not easy, and he

is constantly making it harder by breathing in the same air as noah. he knows he needs to leave for the

better.

noah lets himself sit down on the edge of the bed, pushing his head into his hands and blocking out the

sudden reality he wasn't ready to face. what the hell was he supposed to say? everything abel has said

is true, yes they need time to recover from this, yes he needs to leave, yes he is hurting noah by

staying in the same house but them separating is not what noah wants. he has already established that

he would gladly take the heartbreak over and over again if it means for abel to stay right here, to stay

with him, and he will completely ruin his sanity with denial if it means for them to pretend like nothing is

wrong, if it means that he can hold and kiss and be with abel just like he always has.

"are you okay?" abel mumbles, watching as noah sits completely motionless, watching as his pale

fingers disappear in his disheveled dark hair and his breathing slows and picks up all at once.

and then the tears arrive again, making the closure of the two lovers a lot more grim as noah covers his

face in order to stop them from falling. they weave their way into his palms, soaking the surface, the

choked sobs that leave his lips are muffled but break through the uncomfortable silence all the same

and abel fails to comprehend his reaction. he was hoping for noah to be at least a bit more accepting if

not happy about the revelation that he is finally listening to noah and deciding to leave. he doesn't know

what to make of noah's shaking figure, of his lack of words, of his sudden emotional outburst.

"noah?" but he still makes his way over to the older man, hurriedly sinking on the bed next to him and

hesitantly placing his hand on noah's shoulder, letting out a small gasp of surprise when noah pushes

his body onto his, noah's arms wrapping tightly around his neck causing abel to stumble from the

weight, both of them falling back on the bed.

the surprise of the situation is overpowered by the sadness, the sadness of the fact that noah needs to

find comfort in none other than abel 's arms even after all that's happened between them. abel puts his

thoughts on mute for a while longer as he pulls noah closer to him, noah's body almost on top of him as

he shakes with sobs, marking abel 's skin damp with tears that fall in accordance with the thought of his

departure.

"you can't do this, this should be my decision, i should—i should be the one deciding whether you leave

or not," noah raises his voice pathetically, his fingers curling tighter around the collar of abel 's shirt and

abel buries his nose in noah's hair before breathing out loud.

"i know, but we need this, you know we do," it takes everything abel to believe that noah is only saying

this because he's vulnerable. neither of them have ever loved anyone more than they love each other

so this sudden distance, this sudden departure has to be torturous in more ways than one.

"what about adrian? what about our family?" noah attempts to pull away but abel holds him in place,

wanting this to last as long as possible because he doesn't know when he will be able to feel the

warmth of noah's body against his and let noah's scent—cinnamon and mint—comfort him when he

doesn't deserve it.

"i'll be in touch with adrian, of course i will, and i'm sure he'll understand, he's a mature kid,"

and the silence falls somewhere along controlled breathing and abel 's hand rubbing along noah's

spine, somewhere between unsaid words and bitten tongues. neither of them know how to put what

they feel in words; abel just hopes that things finally fall into place, that distance and time enriches their

relationship and him torturing himself by leaving noah contributes something positive to their downfall.

and noah just hopes that this is all a lie, that tomorrow morning when he wakes up abel will be there in

the kitchen making breakfast with his mum, that he can wake up just one more day to find brown eyes

and darker hair, bitten lips and a dimpled smile right here where they have always been.